29 Jul 2007
MOTHER INSTINCT ?
I belonged to the mothers who didn't want to hold their baby imediately and wasn't even aware of that. Maybe it was due to the ceserian, but apparently that had nothing to do with it. I really was afraid of this little thing and I even found him ugly, with his bald head and blond hairs in the middle like a punk. But when I look at the first pictures now, I just think what a cute baby he was !
Of course I didn't want to breast feed and he got his bottle every 4 h. I didn't want to hold him either and feed him I pretended that my scarf hurt and watched the nurse doing it. Until the day a very intelligent nurse was on duty. She probably was very experienced and I was certainly not her first case.
She told me that she had no time to feed him and I had to do it. I refused. She put him back in his little bed and said I will be back later, I have a lot to do if you don't want to do it then he has to wait. Of course this happened while little baby cried with all his heart. That made me angry I didn't want that either, not a poor hungry baby so I told her to give him to me and show me how to feed a baby. She did. I looked down on this little thing supposed to be my son and only had one idea in my mind, get rid of him as soon as possible.
When he had finished his bottle, I rang the bell for the nurse to take him away. Nothing happened. I rang again and again without any success. Finally after a long time which seemed endless to me she finally arrived and smiled. I could have killed her for that. But suddenly I didn't want to give him to her. I wanted to keep him. This was the beginning and after three days I changed completely and became just the opposit. I wanted him for me alone and nobody should touch him, except Mr. Gattino of course.
In my room was another young woman who was the direct opposite to me. She wanted her baby all the time, which was allowed during the day but not during nights and that on purpose because they wanted young mothers to sleep and rest. So every evening it was the same drama, she cried more louder then her baby and didn't want to let him go. I couldn't understand that, I was happy to have some peace and that nobody cried around me.
When I came back from hospital, I locked myself in didn't support anybody but Mr. Gattino and refused any visit. I slammed the door on my mother, as she was step dancing around the craddle pushing ahs and ohs, and I did the same with my photo taking father. Each sentence started whith : "you should" ! They really got on my nerves. Mr. Gattino at least took his son in his arms, fed him, changed him and cuddled him. Which was quite unusual in 1973. My father of course critized this "effeminate" behaviour and told me that a "real" man wouldn't do that and that it is a job for women !
Today fortunately these young mothers can be helped.