WHEN MACHINES TRANSLATE A DOCTOR's REPORT

 

 

When a doctor has a report translated by a computer (not Google they are better !) here is the result :

1.The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

2.The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. 

3. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 

4. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 

5. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. 

6. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. 

7. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 

8. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

9. Coming from London, this man has no children. 

10. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 

11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid

GOD IN WHITE

Pookie took some milk after this, just to recover too

Have you ever met a "God in white" ? He is the kind of man who always has his head up (but not in the clouds) and therefore can't see what is going around him. Usually he is accompagnied by a bunch of eager students who follow his flying white coat with application. Yes this is a Professor, Doctor med !

A few years ago I had to be hospitalized for complete exhaution. What remained of me was a wreck. I had a very hard month behind me, fighting with stupid doctors (yes there are those once too) who wanted to keep absolutely a dying man alive by all technical means, then funeral, house sale etc. That's why I had landed here.

I had a very nice big room with TV and own bathroom, with a toilet, otherwise some people could think it was only a restroom, a beautiful view on fields decorated with white and black cows. Sometimes private health insurance is very useful and on top of it you are treated like a queen at least it should be that way.

Laying peacefully on my bed, suddenly the door flew open and in came God ! Around him busy bee like students. He posted himself in front of my bed, adjusted his glasses on his nose and looked over them against the wall just above my head. Probably he couldn't see any eyes in my face.

He then eagerly browsed some notes and tromboned with satisfaction looking at his students " This lady (I had no name of course even though it was written on a label above my bed, but he probably was shortsighted) is hospitalized (that was also new to me) because her husband died !"

Before I could be upset, angry, sad or whatever I started to laugh and I laughed and laughed that my nervous exhaution disappeared and I became exhausted by laughter. I informed him still laughing and with tears in my eyes that my dear husband enjoyed a very good health and actually instead of laying in his coffin was probably happily sitting in his office.

I am sure I would have got an award for the best face picture if I had had a camera. He starred at me with anger that I dared to contradict his statement, but honnestly I couldn't ask Mr. Gattino to pass away only to please the professor. The students around him didn't know anymore where to put themselves of course they had to laugh too but didn't dare in fear of bad notes. Finally I pittied poor Professor and told him that it was not my husband who died but my father ! He grumbled somthing like "whoever" in his non existing beard and without an excuse or whatsoever turned around and disappeared through the door followed by his eager students.

When he was gone I still was laughing and then I called Mr. Gattino to inform him that he had died this morning and that now he should take care of his funerals, as I was here and hospitalized. Mr. Gattino used to even more declared me crazy but then I told him the Professor's diagnostic and that he really had to agree because a humble human being is not allowed to have another opinion then a Professor, doctor, med !

I never saw my God in White again, but I have to admit that he had been a very good doctor ! Because from that day on it went up with me and I recovered very quickly !

PS In some hospitals Gods may be green, remember the series with George Clooney ? I don't know the title in English in French it was called "Urgences"