21 May 2009

THURSDAY THIRTEEN - A heartbroken widow

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My very best friend died end February of a colon cancer. She was 66. She left a big hole in my life and I miss her more and more. She had helped me in the most difficult situations of my life had always taken care of me and was more than a sister. We knew and loved each other for 30 years exactly. Then she passed away and left a husband a son and a little granddaughter behind. They were married for 40 years and she had always taken care of them to 100 % forgetting herself most of the time. The last thing I could do for her was helping her family to get over this loss. But then this happened and it sounds so monstrous to me just like a bad dream but it is the truth ! I just want to know what you women in the whole world are thinking about such a man !

13 Behaviours of a heartbroken widow

1. On the cimetary Pietro throw himself over the coffin banged his head and fists on it and screamed "why, why did you leave me !"

2. She wanted to be incinerated, he wanted a grave to visit her every day, of course she is in a grave now. Even her last will was not respected.

3. He knocked at our door at least 4 times a week to sit with us and cry and complain about his loneliness and get comforted in my arms.

4. He complained about his wife that she dared to die of a colon cancer and that she had nothing done for her health

5. He repeated and repeated what a wonderful husband he was, but he didn't even know that the mailbox has to be emptied every day and the garbadge has to be taken out and bills have to be payed

6. He cried and whined when his 34 year old son wanted to visit a friend and he had to stay alone

7. This lasted exactly 8 weeks. Then he had called a girlfriend of his wife to inform her about her passing away wailing and complaining. He is a handsome man, has money, and the best actor in the world. The woman fell in the trap.

8. When his son came back from holidays he noticed that the picture of his mother had disappeared, the wardrobe was filled with other woman's clothing and in the bathroom new make up things. The poor boy was more then shocked (he lives in his parents house with his little daughter) He called me immediately.

9. Pietro the father visited us one months later to announce the news I knew already. Where he had sat as a crying widow 8 weeks before, he now sat there as a schoolboy in love, and also behaved like that.

10. He shouted "I am so happy, so happy, this is the best thing which could happen to me, you know that I can't stay alone" and clapped in his hands.

11. He told me how wonderful this new woman is, of course she does exactly the same my best friend had done for him for 40 years ! Then he called her to tell her that he would be a little late because he was with us.

12. He used the same loving nickname, he had used with his wife ! (I thought I would go mad ! it sounded to me as if she was still alive !)

13. The grave he wanted to visit every day now is neglected nothing was on it before I put a flower pot and since the funerals he had been there only once !


I will always ask myself now, how could she stay with such an egocentric guy for so many years ? She had often complained about him. It wasn't a question of money. The money belonged to her. She came from a very wealthy family.

Photobucket
Happy times, my friend (left), I and two classmates of our painting group (1996)

21 comments:

Vlado&Toni said...

oh this is such a sad story :( i don't know what to say, this must really break your heart ...

Pamela said...

Everyone handles grief in his/her own way.

Supposedly there are 7 stages of grief:
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
2. PAIN & GUILT-
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

I think he kinda fast forwarded once he got to lonlieness

anthonynorth said...

Not very nice behaviour. Sadly, though, it does happen.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I'm not defending him, far from it. But at first I thought he was temporarily demented with grief. People can do off the wall things then. I don't know, maybe he still is. He's certainly not acting rationally that's for sure.

I do feel sorry for his son to come home and find another woman in his mother's place. It's interesting in that Pietro has picked a woman similar to his wife and he even calls her by his wife's pet name. I really think he needs time and maybe some sort of counselling to help him deal better with his loss.

claudie said...

You know, it makes me think to an italian film this story as I was used with Mastroïanna and other actors! le trop, l'irrationnel! there is no love by this man! He just need a comfy home with a nice woman who clean the house and take care on him! This variety of men exist! This is the proof! Your friend was a nice woman! too nice! but just I hope now the son will do his own way with his daughter and build his own life!

Hootin' Anni said...

Everyone handles loss of a loved one differently. I can't say what I'd do if my spouse left me for another world. Only time will tell.

Gattina, I love your photo share.

Happy Thirteening!!

DianeCA said...

I understand your grief and indignation. I think this widow just could not deal with his own feelings of pain and sorrow, so he found a quick fix me up. I just hope the poor lady quickly finds out she is just a fix me up, and he doesn't hurt her as well.

Jeanette said...

Gday Gattina, Oh this is so sad for you to watch this Man with another women,Sadly we all grieve differently.. I Had operation for Bowel cancer and lost 3/4 of my bowel 2004. My Dearest Hubby worried so much over me he had a sudden stroke and passed away 2004,The furthest thing in my mind is another man.I still grieve and always will we had a happy 45 years marriage..

I am Harriet said...

I'm feeling sorry for they guy. Who could ever find happiness with that way of thinking?

colleen said...

Calling the new woman by the same nickname really got to me. I think this man is childish. I'm sorry it must be so hard for you to watch.

I lost a friend a couple of years ago and her husband who was very capable and by her side throughout was remarried 2 months later. I was shocked.

Melli said...

Oh Gattina... I know this does break your heart. You can not allow HIS behavior to take away from your friend who she was though. He IS a selfish person who truly NEEDS to be taken care of... he is just doing what his mind tells him he must for survival. I'm sure his SON is really taken aback by it... I bet he will be taking the daughter and moving out soon. I'm really sorry you have to watch all this happen...
(((Hugs)))

Helena said...

OMG!!!
This is awful! She deserved so much better and at least she had a wonderful friend in you, so maybe have comfort in that- you must have been so much to her.

As for the details of the man's behaviour, it is awful, but I fear it isn't that unusual. It seems that some men just can't look after themselves at all, and will want another woman to mother them, basically wait hand and foot on them, as soon as possible.

When my paternal grandmother died in 1996 the same thing happened. While she was in hospital after a bad stroke her husband (not my grandfather, she had remarried after he died) rarely visited. WHen my dad went to their home he found that everything had been gone through- even her cuddly toys had been torn apart, he had been looking for her savings.

She was paralysed down one side and had to have liquid food, but dad discovered that her husband would not feed her, even though the nurses left it with him to do. Eventually he changed her food order to sandwiches so he could sit and eat them himself.

She dies in hospital and he kicked up a real stink at the funeral, a real show, all 'woe is me' and my aunt took him in cos he couldn't look after himself.

Next thing we knew, after just a few months he was with someone else and they soon got married.

I think this guy is maybe part on the rebound, but part just plain self-obsessed. It doesn't sound like it would occur to him that he is wrong in any way. Sounds like he can only see her death from HIS point of view, what it 'did' to him. Now he has 'corrected' what it did to him, case closed, as far as he is concerned.

Maybe he doesn't mean to be selfish, he has just always been the centre of things so he can't see any different.

Sorry for your loss, anyway. (((hugs)))

Janet said...

I think that some men just can't bear to be alone, especially one that was so well taken care of he didn't need to expend a thought on anything but himself.

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend; I was just diagnosed with a cancerous polyp in my colon, but hopefully the cancer is contained within the polyp. I'll be having surgery on 6/18 to remove. Wish me luck?

Mar said...

This is terrible, Gattina, I feel for you and your feelings for your dear girlfriend...
Some men cannot live alone, I can imagine that, but there is also something called respect. Not only regarding him and his lost life-partner but the new one doesn't show self-respect either!

Brenda ND said...

Very sad. I'm sorry for your loss. About your friend's husband, well, I don't know what to say.

Dr.John said...

One of the problems here is that he is the only one grieving, yiu are as well. Your grief is different from his and you are angry at him as well as at the fact that your good friend is gone.
If she hadn't been your good friend you would be happy now that the poor old man down the block found somebody to care for him.
He is neither good nor bad just a person handling his grief as best he can.

Happily Retired Gal said...

I'm saddened by your loss and the behaviors you describe here.
Hugs and blessings,

yyam said...

Sometimes, a marriage is sustained merely by one party filling the other party's needs - sad but true.

Hazel said...

How sad the way this widower behaves around his loss. I hope time will heal your bad feelings about this.

Tinsie said...

This is so sad. No wonder you're furious with him.

Liz said...

Horrid, horrid man!